#i just needed to write this down
It’s tough to see my grandpa in such a fragile state. He has become such a fragile human being. My whole life he’s been this macho man who didn’t need anyone to support him or his family. He came to America and sent money over to my grandmother in Mexico to feed and support them. He was the foundation and number one provider for 9 kids and a wife (why they kept having children in that financial situation is beyond me but hey, times were different. And I love my entire family.) After the passing of my grandmother in 2007 he literally went once a day to her gravesite to fix her flowers and make sure her area was kept neat and tidy. Sure, he’s done his share of damage, made his mistakes. I could never quite figure out if he went to visit her gravesite every day out of guilt or love. Or both. Regardless, he was determined to go on with life as he knew it. Eventually he moved in with us and I learned many different things about him. I learned how stubborn, difficult and loud he is. But I also learned how caring he is. He doesn’t show his love in conventional ways either. He showed it by making lunch, doing the dishes, keeping the backyard clean, taking out the trash, changing my oil, picking up my sister from school.
And now, after numerous surgeries, cancers, chemotherapy, life has taken it’s toll. Life has put a hold on his independency. He cries a lot now. Mostly because he’s become incredibly dependent on my aunts and uncles. He says he’s a bother to them. What an unfortunate feeling that must be. I always wished I spoke better Spanish to communicate with him. I wanted to ask him if he would tell me all about how he met my abuelita and what he thought when he married her. I’ve had my fair share of complaints about my abuelito, but I know he means well. Even in his most selfish days he meant well.
The other day I had to help him sit on a stool, an easy task of sitting down. Something he has done here a thousand times. Although he had been moved out for months to a senior apartment complex, he still came over to do his laundry. It took him a while to figure out how to work our machines, I don’t think he wanted to learn how to work new ones. The same day I assisted him to sit down, I assisted him with his laundry. I moved his clothes from the washer to the dryer. I noticed one blanket that he had brought over to dry. A New York Yankees blanket I had given to him a few Christmases ago. It simultaneously made me really happy and broke my heart. I know his days are dwindling down, I can see it in his eyes. It worries me, brings me to tears. But I know my abuelita is waiting for him. Waiting to go to San Pedro and eat seafood together.
While I’m sitting in the passenger seat of your car, kiss me.
When I first wake up in the morning, kiss me.
When I’m leaving for work or school in the morning, kiss me.
When I get home from work or school in the evening, kiss me.
When I’m falling asleep, kiss me.
When I’m getting frustrated, kiss me.
When I burn our dinner, kiss me.
If I’m about to cry, kiss me.
If I’m already crying, kiss me.
If you have cake all over your face, kiss me.
If you’re sad, kiss me.
When I won’t stop talking, kiss me.
Right after I brush my teeth, kiss me.
If I’m in a rush, kiss me.
When I feel bad about myself, kiss me.
If you wake up in the middle of the night, kiss me.
If you can’t sleep, kiss me.
I don’t care what time it is, kiss me.
I don’t care where we are, just kiss me."